I figure that almost everyone who is actually interested in updates on Lily will see them on my Facebook page anyway. I don't have any desire to have thousands of readers; I just need a place where I can dump my thoughts on life as a mom, and this is a much "safer" place than Facebook. Of course, that also means that my posts will probably be a bit scattered, since the minutes I actually have to sit down at a computer are few and far between.
Here's what's on the forefront of my mind today.
I feel like a second-class citizen compared to SAHM's.
There, I said it.
I'm not saying that the SAHM's I know make me feel that way...I just do. Even though I work with my daughter, I still feel like people will think that I love her less than SAHMs love their kids because I take her to daycare each day. I desperately wish I could stay home, and I work very hard at giving her the "home experience" every day. I still feed my daughter at every meal, change all of her diapers, play with her, read to her, and provide her with creative learning experiences. I'm still breastfeeding her and making all of her baby food. I'm doing everything with her that I would do at home, plus some. On my more optimistic days, I think of it as being paid to take her to play group. But on my other days (which win out), I feel very, very guilty.
I feel guilty that I don't have time to research all the things about creative play, development, foods, and sleep patterns that I would like to. Even though I know that I am very knowledgeable about babies, I feel dumb. I wish I was able to take her to story time at the library and places around town.
One day, I got off of work early and took her to the park. It was super crowded with mommies and their kids. Even though I know that those women a) probably didn't even notice my arrival, and b) had no way of knowing that I work outside the home, but I still felt as though I stuck out like a sore thumb.
I feel judged that I would expose my baby to daycare, even though I have no choice in the matter right now. I feel like it makes me a less-than-desirable mom, and that it makes other people think that I don't love my child as much as they love theirs.
Since I feel like being a mom is the most rewarding, important thing I've ever done in my entire life, the feeling pretty much sucks.
Oh honey, not one position is better than the other!! You are amazing and really, you do more than us SAHM's. I was just talking with a friend about how "modern" working women not only are expected to do all of the 1950's wife/mom duties, but they're also supposed to add in a full-time job into the mix. It's crazy! I don't know how you do it because I certainly wouldn't make it!
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I'm a little bit jealous. You get the perks of staying home like seeing your daughter all day and all that goes with it (mealtimes, changes, breastfeeding, kissing), but you also get to interact with other adults and GO TO THE BATHROOM BY YOURSELF! ;) Sounds like a win win to me!
Please don't be so hard on yourself and remember than every woman is going through some measure of the same struggle. And if someone is judging you then they aren't worth your time. Us moms have to stick together because it is hard enough to raise babies and keep a house together (and hold a job!) without turning on each other.
<3
Oh and I just want to add in that I still get THAT LOOK when I tell people I stay home with my daughter. Just like you feel judged because you work outside the home, I get the same judgement for working inside the home. I'm always saying, "oh uh...but I do some freelance business on the side." to make up for it -- what the heck do I do that for? We shouldn't be ashamed of how we're making our lives work especially when we have so much to be thankful for. Like a sweet little brown eyed girl who is SO SO CUTE :)
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