Look Who's Back

I've actually been blogging through this whole absence. I get a post formulated and typed, but when I go to post, it completely disappears.

It's super annoying.

Anyway, here we are with a 6 and 1/2 month old. She is rolling, sitting, and figuring out how to get from the sitting position back to the floor. She has eaten cereal, peas, sweet potatoes, avocado, carrots, squash, green beans, and butternut squash (all homemade by me). We're still going strong on breastfeeding. Her naps are very short, and she FIGHTS them. She sleeps from 8:30 pm to 6 am, though. Other than going down for a nap, she hardly ever cries or fusses. She is amazingly observant, ready with a smile, and generally the sweetest, cutest little Lily you ever saw.

What's weighing on my mind right now is work. There are a handful of mommies at my job with babies only weeks younger than Lily, and suddenly they're all quitting work to stay home with their babies.

I SO WANT to be genuinely happy for them. And I am....like, 30%.

70% jealous. Except probably more like 90% jealous.

I desperately want to be able to stay home with her....even though I'm still with her all day, it's just not the same.

Here is my problem: I could stay home now, and it would be okay, but as soon as our months-long search yields us a place to live (another post entirely), I will have to go to work again. So, it wouldn't be a permanent thing. If I leave my job now and try to return in a few months, the chances of me being in Lily's class again are slim to none, and I don't want to give that up. If I keep working now, we can build our savings and pay down student debt, which puts us in a better financial situation in the future. Also, we'll be in better shape for Baby #2.

However, I don't want to work away Lily's babyhood just so we're in a position to have more children down the road. Still, what else can I do? If I quit working now, we'll never be able to afford a place big enough for a family of 4, and I do want to make Lily a big sister (preferably in the next 2 years).

I'm so torn. I have days where things are good, and then (many) other days where I cry on my way to work, all through lunch, at night before I go to bed....you get the picture.

I didn't realize it was possible to be so happy and so miserable at the same time.