Musings

I know I'm not going to be able to sleep well, so I guess there's no point in going to bed.

I can't get over how quickly this pregnancy has gone. With the exception of one person, everyone who was due right around my EDD has had her baby. I could be next. I don't think that I will be, but I could be. My fears and concerns about labor and delivery haven't gone away, but I can say that I don't think about them as much as I used to. I think I've grown a teeny bit more accepting of what's going to happen. I still have plenty of concerns, but I am usually good about not letting them consume my thoughts. My main concern is, of course, having a healthy baby. I also worry about not being able to breastfeed...and about what my reaction will be when the gender of Baby ABC123 is finally announced. Right now I feel like I'd be fine with whatever, but in that moment, I'm scared that I'll feel a sense of loss for whatever child I don't get to meet this time. The few people I've talked to about it all assure me that I won't feel that way, so I'm going to trust them blindly in hopes that they're right. (I also hope that people don't secretly think my baby is not cute...but I've heard it's normal to feel that way, too).

The thought of actually getting to lay eyes on our baby after such a long time is bizzare. I was so scared we'd never have this opportunity...and then we found out we would, on or around August 28th. So it became a date on a calendar, a date that you rattle off to people without thinking about it....sort of like your wedding date. And then, the next thing you know, you have two weeks to go and you wonder where the time has gone and realize that your life is about to change in one of the most irreversible ways ever. I've gotten to that point now where you don't really think about the rest of your pregnancy, you start thinking about the postpartum period instead. Appointments to keep, bills to pay...all the things you need to take care of before Baby arrives. All of a sudden, keeping up with laundry and housework is really important so you don't come home from the hospital with tons of work awaiting whoever is kind enough to help.

I've also been thinking more about my post-baby body. First, how long is it going to take me to get back (or close to it)? I really want to be one of those moms who makes it a priority to "get it back" ASAP, but realistically, when will I have the energy for that? Will I ever go back to running? What will my husband think of me--really? I know he'll love me, and I know he'll appreciate my body for giving our child life, but is he going to have secret disappointments about how I've changed? What about my clothes? I am excited about the opportunity to wear more stylish clothes again, but I'm having a hard time finding a balance between still trying to find clothes that will make me feel good about myself and being practical. I have these outfits I've seen in stores that I've been drooling over for months...but I don't know that they're the most practical thing I could wear while toting a carseat and diaper bag. Then again, I think, "I don't want to take that first step of getting totally lost in mommyhood and forget who I am. I still need to remember I'm also a wife...and ME. Just because I'm a mom doesn't mean I have to wear stretchy pants and t-shirts all the time." I don't want to wake up one day and realize that I have a five month old, all my baby weight, and no clothes that fit. That's pretty understandable when you've got multiple kids....but when it's just one, I'd like to think I ought to be able to pull it together a LITTLE.

I know that I can only do what I can do, and no more...there's really no reason to worry about it right now. Still, a girl's mind wanders.