Oh, These Times Are Hard, Yeah They're Makin' Us Crazy, Don't Give Up On Me Baby...

Oh, you guys...I feel so discouraged.

Mr. ABC123 has his job in my hometown, and he'll be starting to get paid from that soon. That will be good for us, and I am very thankful that God has given us this opportunity. We found out a few days ago that he'll be getting some added responsibility, so his pay will also be increasing a little. That's all good news, except it gives me a problem.

We're 99% sure that he'll be making too much for us to qualify for Medicaid.

That's a problem because since we're moving, I have to switch doctors. Now, we knew that. Stupidly (I guess), I thought that because I would only be receiving two and a half months of care instead of nine months, we would be responsible for however many doctors visits we are going to have, plus the cost of delivery. That's how it works at my doctor now.

Nope. We are literally paying DOUBLE the cost of normal prenatal care because we are switching doctors--all out of pocket. AND, because this new doctor likes to have patients paid up by five months and I am already past that, we are responsible for the full cost up front--so it's like we're paying to receive 15 months of prenatal care and a delivery.

I have three weeks to come up with more than the down payment of a car.

I'm so upset. I don't know what to do. We can't stay at our doctor here--it's just too far to drive for a visit, especially when we go to twice a month and once a week visits. We have to switch, so there's no way around this.

I quit crying long enough to go to work today...that's about it.

Oh, and my $500 Rhogam shot is in two weeks.

I feel like an enormous failure as a mother. We have worked so hard to do everything the "right" way, from budgeting to couponing to paying cash for my master's degree. Somewhere, Dave Ramsay is smiling on us. Yet even after all our hard work, I can't put a roof over my baby's head. I can't go out and buy my baby an outfit if I want. I can't even afford prenatal care now.

Mr. ABC123 has a stepsibling who is 22 and on her third baby. She and her baby daddy have not worked...um, ever, as far as I know, and they get oodles of federal aid. We work really hard to do the right thing, and if it wasn't for the kindness and generosity of my parents opening their home to us, we would have no place to go. I don't understand how that works out.

My mom keeps trying to make me feel better. She keeps reassuring me that it's not our fault that somebody embezzled money from our church and my husband lost his paycheck, or that my school is on the verge of closing and I probably wouldn't have a job there much longer anyway, or that prices have gone up on everything and it's just harder to make it now than it used to be.

None of those things make me feel any better. I am just the type of person that likes to take responsibility for my own deal. I appreciate help, but I don't like to ask for it or even NEED it. I can only imagine that I was one of those kids who always said, "I do it myself!" I don't want to need help, I don't want to need help, I don't want to need help.

My baby deserves a better mother than me.