Spiritual Dilemma

I know that God knows everything about my life. He knows what is best for me, He knows what's ahead of me, and He knows why it's there.

At least, I know these things in my head.

I've been having a very difficult time over the past few days. AF was due Friday. I am like CLOCKWORK. If it doesn't show up by 10:00 am, something's wrong. So 10 am comes and goes, and....nothing. The day passes, and nothing. SATURDAY comes, and nothing. Two days late. So, I finally decide it's reasonable to take a pregnancy test on Saturday afternoon.

It was negative, but it didn't faze me. My SIL told me that with her last pregnancy, her tests were negative until she was four days late. So, I went through my weekend pretty much assured that this battle was over, and I was finally pregnant. I was kind of in a fog....I was excited, scared, and relieved. Mr. ABC123 and I started making plans on how to clean out the office so we could start turning it into the nursery.

Guess what showed up on Sunday morning, two freakin' days late? Rude.

Every other time I got the positive proof that I wasn't pregnant, it was like a knife in the heart. I just wanted to sob. This time, I just went absolutely numb. My heart fell into my stomach, and it's still there.

I know that God has chosen this path for me to walk down, but I just don't understand. Why has it been so hard for us to get pregnant? We're on month seven. Even if we're not infertile, it's taken longer than even I thought it would. What purpose does God have for this? Why has it been so hard for us and so easy for other people? It's so hard not to feel sad. How do you NOT feel sad, especially when your hopes were finally so, so high? I mean, I had no reason not to wholeheartedly believe that I was pregnant. I had been having AF-like cramps throughout my cycle, which I'd never had before. I was late and I'm NEVER late.

I don't understand.