I'm A Mess

You guys, I cannot pull it together over here.

I was already feeling pretty low over the events of the past weekend. Last night, I got a message from a co-worker who (in an effort to prepare me) told me about a pregnancy in her family. She wanted me to hear it from her instead of seeing it on Facebook. I appreciated her thoughtfulness, but...it kind of spoiled my Thanksgiving. I'm bitter that it's happening for other people and not me, and I just can't believe I'm one of "those people" whom people feel the need to walk on eggshells around when anything pregnancy related comes up. The worst part is that I AM one of those people.

I'm upset that I'm not pregnant, but I'm also just upset with myself. I'm upset that my body seems to not do what I want it to do, and I'm mad at myself that my emotions are so all over the place. I'm upset that I'm upset, if that makes sense. I have been a blubbering mess all day. I went to bed crying, I woke up crying. My SIL came out with the family for brunch, I cried. I cried when I saw how cute my nephew was. I cried when I peeled the carrots. I cried during lunch. I have no energy. The hubs keeps trying to get me to help him map out a plan of attack for Black Friday, and I couldn't care less. I don't even want to go. We usually help my parents put the tree up, and we haven't done that yet, but I don't care. I don't know what's wrong with me! This is supposed to be my favorite holiday! I don't even have an appetite.

I know that I probably would feel a lot better if I weren't being so hard on myself, but I can't snap out of it. My SIL and I were talking privately today about some of this, and I held it together for about 20 minutes. Then she said, "I know how hard it must be for you to see D (my nephew) and you know, no one would say that you don't love your niece or your nephew if it's hard for you to be around them. I've been there." That's when I started bawling, all over again. What kind of person am I, that I can't even bear to be around my own nephew, who is cute as a button? What kind of person am I, that other people can SEE my reluctance to be around him?

I just hate that I am like this. I don't know whether to take the weekend and just indulge myself in my feelings, in hopes that I'll be ready to face the world by Monday, or what. But I am no fun to be around right now.