Fail, Fail, Fail

Yesterday I worked really hard. We had a carwash fundraiser in the morning, came home and did loooooaaaaadddddssss of laundry, made dinner, made lunch for today, organized the hubby's drawers and took out clothes to give away, and washed dishes. I was kicking butt.

It was the other stuff I did that really got me down. Namely, searching for jobs for Mr. ABC123.

I feel like we are in a hopeless situation. The thing he went to college for four years to do (and IS doing), he can't get paid for, thanks to a lying and embezzling thief (no, really. The guy embezzled money and got arrested for it). The job he has to pay the bills, doesn't pay the bills. He has a degree, but it doesn't equip him to do anything other than ministry. That means even though he has other things he's good at, like customer service and working with computers, he can't get decent jobs in those fields because he doesn't have a degree in business management or a certificate in any sort of computer work. I feel like we are at such a dead end.

Any other time that we face a challenge, it's easy to just buckle down, set some goals, and do what you have to do, whatever that may be. Get rid of cable? Downgrade a cell phone? Fine. I'll do it. But it's not going to be enough, and now there's an innocent little baby depending on us to come through. We've known even before I was pregnant that it was going to be a financial struggle...but now our options are getting slimmer and slimmer. We can't force someone to hire people. His resumes and applications are EVERYWHERE. All we can do is hope that someone looks at one and comes through for us.

I've been keeping the door shut to the nursery because I get all misty-eyed every time I look in there. It bugs the heck out of me to think that we may never get to set that nursery up. I feel like the biggest failure of a mom ever when I think about not being able to put a roof over our baby's head. I'm so thankful that we have somewhere to go if that happens, but we've worked so hard to be responsible and be able to be on our own. We feel like we've honestly done what God wants us to do, and it's really hard to understand why things are looking this grim. We knew when we met that dedicating our lives to ministry and children would mean a lot of sacrifices and tough times, but...this is hard to swallow.

In addition to feeling really down right now, I'm pretty nervous about the ultrasound tomorrow. I hope that everything looks good in there with our little baby.