I love LOST. Have I mentioned that lately? And I do mean love, in the present tense. I don't care if the show is over. We are the proud owners of all 6 seasons, and staunchly refuse to open the final season until:
a) we are told that we can't get pregnant on our own, to make us feel better for a minute, or
b) when we finally get a BFP
(There's a 12 minute mini-episode that we haven't seen and know nothing about, so technically, there's still more LOST to be watched. Squee!)
Anyway, the title of this entry comes from the first episode, and it's a pretty accurate description of things lately. I (clearly) took the news of not being pregnant after being so hopeful very hard, and in the past five days, I have been told of two people I know who are pregnant--second pregnancies for both. One of them is a distant family member, and oh, by the way, she's 17. (She is married, but she and her husband weren't trying). I know that their pregnancies in no way somehow cosmically detract from our chances, but it just kind of feels like pouring salt in the wound. It was so easy for them. TWICE. It's like life is giving me the giant middle finger.
I definitely feel myself slipping into very dangerous spiritual territory. In all the different experiences in my life, I've never remembered questioning God. Even when things were hard, I still felt like God was with me. I know God is there...it just doesn't make me feel better this time. I know that there are people praying for me, and they've been praying for me for a long time. Still, nothing. I feel myself doubting the power of prayer.
I know, move aside for the lightning strike.
Still, I believe God wants us to be authentic with our feelings, and I wouldn't say anything here that I haven't already taken to Him. I believe prayer works....I guess I'm just starting to feel like it doesn't work on my behalf. I know in my head that's ridiculous, but in my heart, I am so impatient. I know that God wants to be my first desire, and whenever I put anything ahead of Him, He's going to deal with me until my priorities are back in order. But am I to the point where I can say, "Okay, God. I'm fine if I never have children, because I know you have a plan for my life,"?
No. I'm sorry, it just wouldn't be honest of me to say that I'd be okay with never having children. I'm not infertile, and I may (hopefully WILL) be pregnant before we've been trying for a full year. But with every month that goes by, I have to ask, "What if it doesn't happen? Would I be okay with that?" Honestly, no. At least not yet.
If you have any input, I would welcome it.
Sandra, I know this hard for you and it breaks my heart to "hear" (read) these things you are feeling. I also don't really know what you are feeling, so my words are kind of hollow. The most heart wrenching part of this is your wavering faith(for the lack of a better word) in the power of prayers on your behalf. You are crazy. It so cliche but so true, that God is not ignoring you He is showing you that your timing is not necessarily His timing. It seems like you feel alone, but He is still by your side and you are right when you say that people are praying for you-me included. I think that you are having a very personal spiritual battle and that you won't find any relief until you are able to FULLY give this all over to God. I know you are being honest with Him and that is good. Try changing your prayer from "why is this happening?" to "Help me be ok with this." or "Show me YOUR plan!". Just try and "fake it 'til you make it". Don't lose hope. God DOES have a plan in all of this and you will see it eventually. I am here 24/7 and anytime you need to call me or text feel free. I love you and my desire is that this will lift you up or give you some small shred of hope. Let me know if you need anything.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to tell you that I am praying for you and hoping that everything works out. <3 I hope that my own FB and blog posts don't upset you, and I really hope to see your own pregnancy and baby posts someday soon. He has a plan for you, even though you may not know what it is. Does He ever tell us how it all works out in advance? ;)
ReplyDeleteIn all seriousness, though, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine how hard this must be.
Thank you both for the prayers. I truly do appreciate them. When we started this whole journey, I began praying that God would help us to have peace about His timing, but obviously I'm not feeling very peaceful about things. I wouldn't want to deny anyone the joy of pregnancy or having children, but it makes me so afraid to see so many people who get pregnant without even trying, and it makes me wonder what's wrong with me. I feel like I've had this burden for so long because we were "wanting but waiting" for such a long time. It's been well over a year. Anyway, I really appreciate your support and letting me get some things out. =)
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