I had to. I just couldn't stand the dread of waiting to find out at work. I really needed to know on my OWN time, so that I could deal with it privately (well, at least, as much as you can deal with it in an hour before work).
It was negative.
I'm not surprised. But at least now, I know what to expect. At least this month, there won't be any sobbing on the way to work, begging God to let me be wrong about the kind of cramps I'm feeling. AF will show up tonight or tomorrow, and that will be that. Another month down the drain. Can you believe that this cycle will officially put us at the halfway mark before we're classified as "infertile?"
Well, as I've said before, this is it for awhile. I'm on an indefinite break from TTC. It's just too much. The planning, the anticipation, the disappointment--I can't do it anymore. Living my life two weeks at a time? It's too hard. One day, I might be at a point where I look back on this and think, "I was making too big a deal of things. I should've known things would be fine." But right now, I don't know how much longer this is going to go on. If it were anything else (school, a paper, a wedding) there would be an end date. A D-Day, if you will. You only have to make it thismuch farther and you'll get some relief. If it were anything else, I would be able to say to myself, "Things will get better in time. It may take a LONG time, but things will work themselves out. You'll see." But this is different. This isn't about school, or jobs, or money. This affects my whole life. You can walk away from school, you can walk away from a job, and you can work out payment plans for debts. When you don't know if or when you'll be able to ever be a parent, that's different. You can't walk away from that. I'm not opposed to adoption, and I'm sure that we would consider going that route somewhere down the road. But right now, we know that it isn't a choice for us. No one would look at our two-bedroom apartment or our income and say, "Yep. I choose YOU to raise my child. I'm sure you can provide them with everything I wouldn't be able to give them." My dad adopted my brother, and I know from his firsthand experience that they put you through the ringer when deciding whether or not you're capable of raising and providing for a child. Maybe we won't need to consider adoption because our time is just around the corner...but I just don't know what's ahead. So, if my future pregnant self looks back on this post and says, "Geez, you were being so dramatic!", I want future me to remember this: When you look ahead and you don't know how much longer the road is going to be, it's hard. People can tell you it will be okay, but it's an empty promise. They don't know that any more than you do. You don't know how many more people you're going to have to watch become parents around you, or how many more baby showers you have to attend, before it's your turn. It's really hard, and stressful, and emotional. And that's okay, because having a child is a life-changing thing, and it IS a big deal.
So, OPK's, I'll be seeing you...but not anytime soon. Our anniversary is coming, and then Thanksgiving, and it's the very best time of year. Why spoil it?
=(
ReplyDelete