Freedom vs. Fulfillment

I have always, always said that any change in life comes with a trade-off. Any new freedom you gain somehow comes with more responsibility. Driving, graduation, moving out, marriage, a career--it's one of life's biggest jokes on us. You're all, "WHOOO! I can (fill in the blank)," one minute, and the next minute you realize, "Oh. That means I have to (maintain insurance/get a job/ pay bills/ maintain a relationship)." That knowledge is one of the few things that helps make the hardest times easier through this whole process. I try to cherish the small moments. Showers. Lighting candles without worrying about somebody knocking them over. Going out for a run whenever I feel like it. Getting excited about watching a cooking show (shut up. I'm not lame) and knowing that no one will interrupt you.

I nannied overnight for an infant, and I have been there--the "ALL I WANT TO DO IS TAKE A SHOWER!" meltdown, the "Why do you hate me?!" zombie walk to the crib in the middle of the night. Got the t-shirt. I know enough to appreciate the times that I don't have to feel that way...but at the same time, how fulfilling is it to spend all evening exercising or watching TV? Not very. Life feels pretty empty sometimes. There's always a trade-off....freedom versus fulfillment.

I imagine it's even that way through pregnancy. I've been waiting for a long time to have a baby because I really want to be a parent, but honestly? I start quaking in my shoes if I get within a half mile of an ambulance. I darn near had an anxiety attack just walking into the hospital when my nephew was born. I can, and will, pass out if you talk to me about finding my veins with a needle halfway in my arm. I really want to have a baby, but it's going to involve facing a lot of fears and a lot of anxiety to make it happen (hence the mention in a previous post about being thankful for epidurals--I really believe that if left to my own devices, I could endanger my child thanks to my raging anxiety).

There are lots of trade-offs in life...but so far, they've been worth it.