I Have Come to Confess

I broke one of my parenting rules...which I kind of knew was going to happen. I just didn't know it would be this particular one.

Lily has slept in bed with us for most of this week.

I'm SO cringing as I write this. I can't even tell you....there are dozens of reasons why I think this situation is not right for us. She's big enough now that I'm not as concerned as I would've been if she were newborn, and there is room enough between myself and Mr. ABC123 that we can keep her from rolling off the bed without rolling over on her--although that didn't stop me from barely sleeping all night for fear that I would roll over on her anyway.

She's been cutting a top tooth, and it is wreaking havoc on her sleeping. Just a week ago, I was beginning to think that we had FINALLY turned a corner with regard to sleep. She's always been good about sleeping through the night, but getting her to go down for naps or bedtime is a struggle. She cries and cries. But the past few nights, it was more than rough. She wasn't just crying, she was SCREAMING. We would put her to bed at 8:30, and she would still be awake at 11:30, wailing her heart out. We would pick her up, rock her, soothe her, read to her, and do anything we could think of to get her to settle down.  Each night, as midnight rolled around, I would start to feel those hot tears of frustration, exhaustion, and failure prick my eyes as I realized that I had to be up, dressed, and pumping in a mere five hours...and I hadn't even gotten to lay down yet. So, I'd bring her to bed and nurse her in the side-lying position. She'd nurse for awhile, then gradually fall asleep, and then I'd finally close my eyes. All too soon, the alarm would go off again.

It's been almost a week of my nights being filled with frustration and very little rest (because it's nearly impossible to sleep well when you're scared to death that you'll hurt your baby). I feel like I literally haven't slept in days. When I show up to work, I feel like I have only been gone for an hour or two. It's burnout city over here....and I'm just venting because I'm tired. I feel like I need to have a little fun with some of my grownup friends. This past Saturday (my birthday), the hubs and I went to dinner, and it really showed me how much I've been missing our time together. We only have a day off together every three weeks, and it is really starting to wear on me.

Today, I finally felt the edges of a top tooth poking through, which I think is the culprit. I think we will be trying some teething tablets tonight. I don't want to drug her up or anything, but I don't want her to be in pain either....

I'm just trying to be the best mama I can be. Right now, that means getting a little rest.