I'm having some major anxiety issues this afternoon about motherhood. I know it's kind of too late to turn this car around, and I don't want to, anyway. I just wish I had a better roadmap to get there.
I have really fantabulous parents. They are wonderful. I don't think I will do nearly as good of a parenting job as they did. Not that I'm perfect, or even close to it--but that's me, not them. My whole life, I have always known that my parents love me, that they support me, and that they have pretty darn high standards for me. I really can't find fault in their parenting approach as a whole, and I doubt that my children will ever be able to say that about me.
I feel like because I am a teacher and have such experience in childcare of all ages, there are people that expect me to be a naturally good mom. Well, I don't have to tell you that it's a heck of a lot easier to make decisions regarding the care of other people's children than it is to make decisions for your own children, because you have to live with the consequences. Plus, I run a pretty tight ship in my classroom. I have a lot of fun with my kids, and I know that students enjoy my class because I hear it in the kind words from past and present students and parents. However, my tolerance for nonsense is next to none. I am afraid that I am going to be too harsh with my child. I know, I know..."Once you see their sweet little face, it will all be different." But honestly, I have always sworn to myself to teach my kids better than many of the kids that I've encountered--to teach them to be well-mannered, respectful, self-motivated, and responsible. It's a tall order, and you don't just start teaching your kid how to behave on their fifth birthday. But I'm afraid I'm going to go overboard and be a Monster Mom, and make my child feel like nothing they do is ever good enough for me.
What if I become Slob Mom? I quit taking care of myself, I don't pay attention to Mr. ABC123, I make my kids frozen meals five nights a week, and my house becomes a dump. I can see it now. That's why I hate that I have been so wimpy about pregnancy. I always told myself that if I was ever pregnant, I didn't want to be one of those women who used it as an excuse to act like I was broken--sure, I might feel a little nauseous, but that's no excuse for the work not to be done. (Have you guessed that I can be too hard on myself sometimes?) But that's not what happened. This is no fire drill, it's the real deal. Pregnancy is a force to be reckoned with. I'm afraid I'm going to get spoiled and never go back to what I used to be.
Finally, I'm so scared that we're not going to be able to provide for a baby. We made the decision that I won't be teaching in the fall. I want to be a SAHM more than anything, but we truly cannot afford for me to do that. The only reason I'm not going back is because the baby is due at the beginning of the school year, and after missing the first 6-8 weeks of the school year, I would be busy playing catch up all year (plus, who wants to be responsible for writing lesson plans at 8 1/2 months pregnant? I don't wanna deal with that). I would have to establish my presence in the classroom two months after the students have been there, I won't be familiar with their strengths and weaknesses...and, oh yeah, I'll be sleep-deprived with a newborn and trying to figure out how to be a mother. Every teacher-mom I've spoken to thinks I made the smartest choice, but in the meantime, how are we going to pay the rent? My husband has been searching for a new job since last August with no results. I'll have to go to work somehow, I'm sure--but tutoring isn't going to replace my already small income (remember, I teach at a private school--my salary is MUCH smaller than a public school teacher, and I don't have any benefits). Any random job I can get is not going to care that I have a master's degree; I'm sure I'll be lucky to make more than minimum wage. That means that I'll be sticking my sweet baby in daycare just so I can schlep myself off to work and make enough to cover the cost of daycare!
Somehow, God has provided for us this far--our bills have been paid, we have a roof over our heads, and food on our table, even while we pay through the nose for prenatal care with no insurance. But still, that's with two incomes. With every day that goes by, we are one day closer to being a one-income family, at least until October, when I can go back to work.
In a way, I'm glad that I was "forced" into having to stay home the first few months, because I definitely would've had to go back to work if I was due at any other time of the year. In other ways, it is scary as all get-out.
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