C is for Control

I do not like to feel out of control. I know that I can't run everything, and I wouldn't consider myself the "leader" type. But when it comes to my own life, I like things very organized and scheduled. I set personal goals for myself to acheive all the time so that I don't become stagnant. Even if they're simple goals like running a 5k, hosting a holiday dinner, or roasting a perfect chicken, they give me something to focus on. I stick to a budget and I HATE unexpected costs, because then I have to change my budget, take money out of savings, and I feel out of control of the situation. I know that God is in control of our lives, I just mean that I like to feel like I've got a good handle on my day-to-day affairs. I don't want life to just "happen" to me--I want to be involved.

For the past several weeks, I've felt very out of control of my surroundings. With the constant practices for the Christmas play, I was one of the two teachers who went WEEKS without any sort of break during the day. I was on call, happy face on, with the kids all day long. No time to go to the bathroom, no time to grade papers, no time to work on lesson plans, nothing. That started a nasty cycle where I would come home at night with lots of work to do. I did the bulk of my lesson plans over the summer, so that wasn't too bad, but there were many other things to keep me busy with work. If I'm working at home, guess what I'm NOT doing? Spending quality time with my husband, cleaning, cooking, washing clothes, grocery shopping, menu planning, etc. I was struggling to stay awake every night and dragging myself out of bed each morning--no more ab workouts and quiet time. I was doing well to wake up and get myself in the shower. So, DH has been keeping things running on the home front, but then I get major guilt--he works too, yet he's getting dinner, running errands, paying bills, all the things that I normally handle. I know things have shifted since he graduated. He used to have NO time during the day, so I took on those responsibilities, and it makes sense now that he help out more (which he's awesome about). But, I still have a hard time feeling like I don't have to do those things. Then, last weekend I was going to try and get our Christmas baking done, and couldn't because of being sick. After missing work on Monday, I felt like I was playing catch-up all week, and here we are at Saturday night already. Today, it hit me as I looked around at my house. I felt the urge to just sit and pity myself for a little while. There's a big stain on the carpet from my Scentsy launch party where someone didn't take off their shoes, my table needs to be polished, the clothes on the couch are washed and dried, but not ironed or put away....the cookies are assembled, but not made....I had a houseful of projects, none of which were finished. My closets and cabinets are starting to look a little haphazard. It was just driving me nuts. The one thing I got accomplished today was making lunch (Morroccan chicken and quinoa, which was quite tasty, actually).

My husband thinks I do too much already. I teach, I clean, I work out, I have responsibilities at church, I try to help him with his ministry, I cook, I grocery shop, I plan menus, I have a Scentsy business, we try to make a teeny budget stretch all month, I'm the cross country coach, I grade papers, I try to invest in kids, I have three tutoring jobs, and, oh yeah, I'm trying to have a baby. What I don't think he sees is that EVERY woman is busy these days. I don't think he even realizes how busy HE is. I mean, the man works two jobs and only gets paid for one.

I don't understand how other people seem to have it all together.